Hi teendoc,
I've been reading your posts since you joined a week or so ago. So I know that you are intelligent and thoughtful and that you are working hard to feel better about yourself and your relationship.
I can also understand how you feel about the porn and the feelings of betrayal because I've felt them all. My SO is an internet porn addict. As if the alcoholism wasn't enough we had to throw the porn addiction in just to keep things interesting???
I felt so ashamed, alone, hurt, not good enough, not pretty enough and all the other self loathing things you can feel. I felt stupid and used.
Then there was the guilt for him about his actions which I think only put more distance between us. After years of asking him to see my side of things I've only recently started to piece together what it must feel like to walk in his shoes. -If your SO is already pissed at you for something you can't control its so much easier to make exuses to yourself about other bad behavior. Lies come a little easier, drinking eases the pain of looking at yourself in the mirror and why should you care because your SO is just going to pressure you and guilt you into doing something other than what you want to do right now.
When I started to think about what he might be going through his head, I realized that I was like the jail keeper. I didn't have anything to do with the crime but I was constantly there to remind him he should be punished. Even though I love him and what he did to me was wrong I wasn't helping the situation I was just controlling it. We were both so miserable.
I'm not better now. Each day doesn't have joy or hope yet. I haven't found the lightning bolt to fix me or him. I do know that like the alcohol I can't control this addiction for him. I can't understand it, or feel it from the inside because I don't have it. I can't cure it. And, I didn't cause it. All I can do is hope (working on this everyday) that one day he will see that his life could be free of all the -ism's all the controls that make him regret and all the guilt he lives with everyday now.
I went to my second alanon meeting tonight. I'm learning that I have so much to learn and that it's going to take time. I can't expect to feel better right away just because I have some small understanding of my part in the disease. I can't expect at all, as a matter of fact. I just have to let it be. I have to find a way to let the old pain go and not sit on it like it's my badge of courage so that I can show others how horrible and unjust he has been to me.
I will try to never lock my computer again. If he is willing to risk getting caught on my computer then the problem is out of his control. I don't need to add to his pile of shame and guilt.
I will try to make sure that I am working on myself and my issues and if that means that I can't be around him until I am sure that I am in control of my anger, and pain then I understand that I have to come to terms with that.
I love him and this hurts. It stinks but I am choosing to try to be well for myself and my kids. I'm going to work the steps and keep going to meetings.
For anyone who doesn't know, I found a support network for co-sex addicts called COSA. ***** has a discussion board just like this one but you must go through the process of being accepted as a member and it takes about 4-5 days but it has helped me too. I'm going to try to go to my first COSA meeting tonight.
Thanks for letting me ramble on tonight everyone. It feels so good to get this out.
Teendoc - you have a big hug from me. Hang in there even when it doesn't feel like you can hang on for another second.
Marci