I am sorry that you are feeling so low.
Take some time to focus on yourself. I am currently reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and am finding it so inspirational, and helpful in understanding who I am, and what I want out of life.
You sound so sad, and I was where you are. I finally left my exabf when it became clear that he was blaming me for his drinking. I was already reading here at SR, and reading Al-anon literature, so I knew enough that things were only going to get worse.
Two weeks after I left, he sought recovery, and he is doing well. You never know what may change, when you change the way you are living your own life.
Take care of yourself no matter what your AH is doing.