Can security & trust EVER be re-established?
First: this site is amazing and has been such a great resource for me. Thank you.
My AH went through treatment about 19 months ago and relapsed September 2010 and then between Thanksgiving and Christmas 2010. We’ve been married for 21 years and A has been a negative part of our life starting about 13 years ago. Started with a lye and didn’t become a relationship issue until about 8 years ago.
We just went to a marriage counselor last week. Lack of intimacy is a huge obstacle in our marriage and has been for 12+ years. His alcoholism is a big obstacle for me. (crazy how I just looked up on webMD and 10 of the 13 apply to me/us: stress, relationship issues, alcohol, too little sleep, medications, body issues, low testosterone (maybe, not sure), menopause (perio maybe, on early 40’s), and too little intimacy) Apparently “use it or lose it” applies …
We’ve both done a lot about or emotional health and affects of A through AA and Alanon over the last 18 months. My huge obstacle was his most recent relapse … was so easy for him to lie to me and abandon responsibilities, ignore priorities, etc. This last betrayal of trust seems to be my breaking point. He’s never cheated on me … just lied about situations and drinking.
We’ve recently talked about the fact that we are both unhappy enough to separate - over our own issues (him/sex and me/trust). His comment is "when he stops drinking ... nothing else changes". I'm not sure that I want to attempt to change myself so much for someone else and not for me. I'm not bothered by low sex right now ... doesn't even register on my list of concerns - except for the fact it hurts him and I don't "want" to hurt him. I love him but I don't seem to have the fire for intimacy ... the more I learn, the more I think I've blocked it on many levels.
I think he’s relapsed again but have learned enough to not obsess on it.
I’m just not sure that I could ever trust my future, heart, security and happiness with him again. Anyone experienced this?