peacefulheart

but what the hell. Many might relate. I wrote this in a post-alcohol depressed state back in Sept? Oct? anyway it took me another 3 months after wirting this to face the dragon (11 days today) .

Here goes:

Alcohol
It’s been a torrid love affair, of epic and not-so-epic proportion. As easily as I pick things up (as in…habits and substances and all that has ‘addiction potential’) I put them back down, always having strictly adhered to the ‘recreational’ level. After all, if it’s only once a week, or even once a month (that I get rip-roaring drunk- often using coke or e by the end of the night)...it’s not an issue, right? I mean so what, if once a week (once a month…whatever sporadic timeframe we choose here) those drinks led me to actions and decisions that are far, far beneath me. The desire to smoke (grosss!), the desire to talk to and meet people TOTALLY unworthy of receiving my time of day (if I was only sober enough to see that at the time!), the desire to deprive myself of what I work so hard for : good sleep, good calories, good health, good choices. Not to mention the expense. Though of course, being a female is definitely to the poor single parent’s credit when out on the town. I mean...so what if it means you then have them latching on to you the rest of the night ..or worse, expecting a kiss (or even sex!! Wtf??!!) for a measly vodka tonic. The definition of insanity is ‘to keep doing the same damn things over and over and expecting that somehow, some WAY…it will come out differently…NEXT time I won’t have a hangover! NEXT time I won’t stay up til 6 AM and lose yet another beautiful day on this earth because I’m too sick/exhausted to enjoy it…NEXT time I won’t get the urge to do (coke, ecstasy, etc) KNOWING I have those urges ONLY when I’m out drinking and knowing that drinking creates such an overwhelming craving for many nasty nasty things. Some lessons have been learned...some insanity has been removed...by a decision many years ago to stop drinking and driving before I kill myself or someone else. To be better about sticking with friends and leaving with friends at the end of the night. To pay for my own damn drink so I’m not stuck with bozo the rest of the night. So what IS the draw? Social pressure..sure I’ll concede to that. n this day and age it really is fine to say ‘I don’t drink’ without any major jaw-dropping (between AA, meds people take and not being able to mix w/alcohol, people jumping on the health-nut bandwagon..) it’s actually not a big deal to decline. And anyway, most people are getting their own drink on..they could care less what’s in your glass (though if you want to pass your tonic off as vodka go right ahead..I’ve done it many times when I’ve been out and been sober). Hear that? I CAN go out and be sober! It is possible, it has been done and it was actually a LOT of fun! Ok..so there is some social pressure but not enough to lend anything substantial to this exploration..ok..mmm…there is the fact that alcohol is that lovely un-inhibitor. It’s such a great way to relax, laughter seems to come more easily, feet seem to move with less effort, people start looking MUCH better (beer goggles!! hello), striking up conversations with new people becomes second nature…it almost sounds appealing, doesn’t it? Oh yes...insecurities fall away, fears are forgotten (mortgage? What mortgage?!), friendships are made and sometimes even reinforced. How many heart-to-hearts have we had with a good friend over a bottle of wine? It CAN be quite therapeutic. Maybe that is the only time and place for drinking….at home, between friends or lovers. So while I may not quite be AA material (or am I??), or if I were to go they’d all refer to me as having a ‘pretty damn high bottom’, there is definitely a pattern in my life of abuse. It was not enough to ever physically escape when I went out/when I DO go out…the escape must be all-encompassing…body AND mind. How many times have I woken to say outloud ‘shit, what the hell did I do last night?’ to the simpler ‘I’m mortified’. How is shame and embarrassment and deep, visceral aching regret (not to mention HORRIBLE pictures now plastered all over the internet thanks to FB!!!) at ALL worthy of any of the aforementioned reasons of why I do drink? And to have this happen many many times just reinforces that feeling of insanity, of stupidity, of consideration of possibly having some kind of an issue.

So how will I address this? I have addressed this many times. Many Sundays (like today) in a post-alcohol depressive state…overtired, dehydrated, emotional, regretful, ashamed. For a few weeks to sometimes even a month or two, I will curb it. Or try to. Or not. Sometimes life can be spontaneous and a celebration will come up (birthdays need toasts!)..sometimes my life is stressful to the point of agony..and so I kill my demon of adult responsibility with my other mean demon…Stoli Raz. Sometimes I kinda plan it..plan on drinking more heavily than not..so I *can* deal with the night ahead of me…the person I know I shouldn’t be talking to/seeing/sleeping with but for some ******* reason feel compelled to talk to/see/sleep with them anyway (there’s my next topic...why I pick awful men!!)..so I can “deal” with being out (being with other people getting drunk, the crowd, the vibe, people I don’t like or care for), so I can lose the sensibility of abstaining once the ‘good stuff’ comes out (we all have to be on the same level! Very important when you make party become a verb).
Clearly something is not working. At times I feel like the dumbest smart person or the smartest dumb person. Perhaps introspection and self reflection is over-rated. Maybe a good dose of ignorance and a little baa-ing like the rest of the sheep of the human race (the ones who seem never to bother with self-inventory or reflection...or so it seems..) is in order? Will the bleating stop the bleeding? I suppose not. I suppose the only thing to do is to keep holding up this damn heavy mirror. Looking inside is not so easy and it seems like so many things are SO much better off exactly where they are..buried down deep in their sweet little graves. Why get a shovel and unearth the bones? Can’t the skeletons rest in peace for god sakes? I’m learning that it is only by digging them up, laying them out, looking at them..kicking some..kissing others…that I can address ALL issues in my life holding me back. Alcohol. Holds. Me. Back. It does not push me forward. It does not help my health, my bank account, my self-esteem, or my beliefs. This is why it’s so hard to say good-bye..not because all those things are not more important than booze..but do I really have to stop altogether? Can I still have a glass of wine with Ann when I go to her house (we really only ever have 1! ..ok…sometimes 1 bottle…)? Can I still drink with my sister when we settle down at the end of the day and have our heart to hearts? That seems unbearably extreme and sad to me. So if I just stop drinking..PERIOD..when I go out-out..is this enough to slay the dragon? IS it a dragon? Yes, I do think it is a dragon. It’s fire has scorched my ass too many times. I think even with healthy self-esteem and self-awareness it may still be a dragon for me. It’s better not to even knock on the door (I’ll have one..just ONE stoli raz tonight!! Said the liar) of the dragon’s cage. And better to just enjoy the night anyway..one less ‘thing’ to be carrying around and the promise of only FABULOUS FB pictures…whew…let that be reason enough!!! Drunk never looks pretty on anyone, most especially me.