I'm not so old or so far along I can't remember feeling that way DWD
I spent a lot of years not wanting to be a drunk, but wanting to be able to drink like everyone else...I was also very scared of having to change my life, and after 20 years of drinking I had no confidence in my ability to resist...
I was scared of having this sobriety *thing* hanging over my head like something always there in my peripheral vision....
then I nearly died - and I had no choice but to live sober or die....and I changed.
The more I lived life sober and the more things I faced sober and got through them, the more I felt better about my self and the life I was leading.
I can honestly say that today, at 43, I'm the happiest I have been since childhood...I have that kind of joy of life back...it's been a lot of work but I can trace it back to that decision to quit the booze.
So while I can't see the future - it's gonna be damned hard for me to voluntarily give up the life I have, and the man I am now to go back to drinking.
I really wish for you that you get to this point too, DWD.
I wouldn't lie to you. Keep the faith, man - its worth it
D