For me it's about the self-talk in my head. I became so used to hearing my parents, my friends, my boyfriends passing judgment over my decisions, that I seemed to automatically "hear" the negative in every decision before I even fully considered a plan of action in anything.
I justify in my head what I'm doing and why I'm doing it repeatedly on and on every day.
It's a horrible habit.
It's self destructive.
It's exhausting.
I think you are right in many ways when you say it's about seeking approval, but for me I think it started out that way. I sought everyone's approval and opinion on whatever decision I had to make. I listened to all the "devil's advocate" nonsense when folks would tell me how my plans might fail. How constructive is that? At least that is what I always seemed to focus on. I'm sure they had helpful advice and were encouraging, but I always seemed to feel defeated before I started.
In time, I stopped screening my choices through other people or at least limited the times when I needed an objective voice. Yet, I see now that negative feelings and negative chatter became a broken record in my subconscious and the damage was done.
How do you break this? Good question.
I started taking a hard look at this self-critical chatter in my head when I started recovery here just shy now of 2 years. I listened to the folks here tell me to catch it when I start to do it and quickly speak aloud to it. Tell it no. Tell it step aside. When I go with my gut and let my own intellect work, I succeed. All that chatter just holds me back. I've done this and it works. It's a habit that has to build and grow just like the habit that created it. It takes time.
2 years in and I no longer seek opinions unless it is a deliberate decision to do so and that is rare. I purposefully stop the self-critical thought throughout my day. It's becoming less and less needed. I have sought other ways now to support my own decisions. I have learned to research when I'm uncertain. I don't ask for answers, I go find them if that makes sense. For instance, if I ask a question on some website for how to fix my leaky sink, I am open to hearing from negative haters who say, "hire a plumber you useless girl." Seriously, I've read these responses out there. Instead, I read plumbing articles, books, how-to blogs, and find the answers I need. I am empowered with the knowledge with no fear of judgment. With that said, I still have to resist the urge to turn to a friend or such and ask what they think of what I've learned. It's a tiny urge that passes quickly, but it's there from time to time.
The first step, as we know, is admitting the problem. After that, it's practice practice practice.
Best to you!
Alice