I am so conflicted.
My life feels complicated and out of control, and it is pretty much because I let others around me control it.
I am so sick of having to feel like I have to try and justify myself to the people around me. I am an adult, 35 years old, I work full time, own my home pay my bills raise my 2 small children on my own. I am not an idiot, I am pretty in touch with myself, I know what makes me tick, I know what makes me happy.
Im not sure if it's me trying to seek out approval from other people, if I want other people to be on board with my decesions or what I am looking for.
Background: I got divorced in August. We were living apart for quite awhile. I have been emotionally detached from my EXAH for years. I met a great man 2 weeks before my divorce was final. We have been dating ever since. He is a great guy, a gift from God. I wasn't looking for anyone, he just appeared.
He possess all the qualities I would desire in a mate. He is crazy about me, crazy about my kids, my dog etc. lol He would do anything in the world for us. He is reliable, affectionate, financially secure, responsible..the list goes on and on. He has never been married/no kids. He is ready to take the next step (not now, but within the next year or 2). We have talked about marriage, we have talked about moving in together later in the summer, I am over the moon that I found someone wonderful, someone "normal"
I have been married 2 times. I have chosen partners both times that needed to be resuced, were emotionally unavailable, had substance abuse issues, the list goes on and on. This time I think I got it right. Previous relationships I was seeking out a husband, a father, security...this time I have those things...I already have the kids, been married, have my house, job, bank account, etc...I am excited to find an EQUAL to share those things with me. he brings a lot to the table as do I, so i feel that this relationship is one that completes who I am, doesn't define who I am...does that make sense?
Anyway, I constantly feel like I have to justify....
Why can't I just move forward with my plans? Why can't I trust myself, go with my gut...make my own choices, live my own life...for once?
I can't handle all the "outside" opinions, advice. It's my life...right? So why can't I live it?