jenkoj and fellow Texan, I found SR when I was doing an internet surf on dry drunk syndome. I'm a codependent with a capital
"C" and through the support of the members here I'm slowly regaining my sanity. It seems like everyone here on SR found their way here in their own unique way. Many who come to SR are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to SR because we want and need help. SR members share our own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic's behavior.
We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. We try to control their drinking for them. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill.
This illness is called codependency. Family secrets. Guilt. Shame. Repressed anger. Low self-esteem. Compromising your own values to avoid another person's rejection or anger. Those are just a few red flags of codependence. Codependent meant the person who enabled the alcoholic. Today's psychologists have a broader definition.
"It really is about unhealthy emotional dependencies."
You wrote
"I feel like I am abandoning him when he needs me the most." I am a big supporter of codependents using the
"LOVE" approach to our alcoholic love ones.
"LOVE" stands for:
Let the drinker experience the negative consequences of drinking.
Optimise your time together when the drinker is sober.
Value the drinker as the person you love(d).
Encourage change.
"Only God can turn a mess into a message." "
A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step." "We aren't bad people trying to get good. We're sick people trying to get well." "
Before anything can change, you first have to start setting limits. You have to figure out a plan to change things; one that makes sense. Then move through those steps -- not allowing any backpedaling."
SR is based upon the 12 Steps of Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a program that is meant to be worked with another and with God.
On the Steps:
Willingness comes from the pain, the healing comes from the steps. Step 1. Surrender Step 2. Sanity Step 3. Serenity
There is a difference between “relief” and “recovery”.
Steps 1-3 bring relief...... Steps 4-9 bring recovery...... Steps 10-12 maintain it…... Be willing, Be ready and let God do the work! Humbly acknowledge who I am in relation to God!
Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix