Steps forward aren't easy
Been struggling the past couple of days. Last night STBXAH had the kids (with his brother and parents supervising--they live upstairs) and I called him while I was at work to see when he was going to bring them home so I could let my parents know. In the background my two year old was asking for his mama and it was so sad to me. I missed my son and the days when I didn't work and got to spend all my time with my kids. Then when he brought them home (he was sober--fyi) my mom told me son cried for his daddy and then fell asleep. It broke my heart thinking about how difficult it must be for them. I love them and I never intended upon raising kids as a single parent.
Then today I had to go to my STBXAH's to pick up the car he has been using (in both of our names, loan in my name with him as a co-signer) because since he quit he job he has no way to register it for Jan or pay the payments and insurance. It was tough for me and I was feeling sad. I am moving the rest of my things next week and each step I take towards independence feels so confusing. It is like a death and a birth at the same time. I know it is the right thing to do for me, but sometimes the feelings of the loss make it hard to celebrate the new possibilities for growth I now have in my life.
I was having these thoughts earlier about how living with him again "wouldn't be too terrible" and that it would be "easier for the kids than going back and forth." I was thinking more about it though and I was realizing those thoughts weren't really about me missing him or wanting to be with him, they were more about me pitying him and feeling guilt for hurting him. They were also about me wishing I wasn't in a situation were my kids had to go between their parents all the time. It is nice to be able to see the reality of my situation, but it didn't make it any easier.