barb, thank you. that's beautiful.
JenT - I have heard that a zillion times that "you know who I am! you knew when you married me! You're just judging me now. I accept you as is. That's what love IS!" Boy, does that sting.
It hurts because I DO have guilt over the fact that I wasn't ready to deal with this stuff when whe got married. I wish I had saved him the grief.
Those years don't feel like grief to me and I don't regret our marriage (or our wedding, which rocked), but I know he does.
For him, he has so much self pressure about where he should be in his life by now, he is depressed that I am regressing him. (sigh)
naive - boy, do I know tired. He was arguing with me that I didn't really understand how sad he was at the loss of the dream.
I was saying I had spent the better part of the year struggling with just that and I knew quite well about the sadness associated.
He was sure (since I am more matter of fact and emotionally neutral now) that I didn't.
Yah, okay.
That's the new place I go. "Yah, okay." Not as much outrage or confusion or devestation. Just a bemused acceptance (tinged with a bit of sadness).
posie - thanks. I have been trying to outsmart it for a year!!
Maybe if I just...we can be happy again.
sigh.
At the end of the call (I forgot to mention) I was trying to explain why I felt unsafe with his "solution" of "I apologize and we move on". I was saying I needed to see action. I was saying his one solution has been to quit (he suggested it), but he both drank during the time he said he would quit, and as soon as I left the house (to take a break) he gave up on quitting entirely. (God, that's heavy, huh? When I try to rationalize that he's not that addicted, that argues against my minimization)
I said that it doesn't make him a big jerk or a f-up, but it may make him an addict.
HOLY SMOKES did he get reactionary with that word (oops).
Great! You wanna get out? Get out! HAVE A NICE TIME BEING DIVORCED, he replied.
Silence on my end.
Then I said I as ready to go.
~
It feel a little better to let it out with you all.
I feel really sad.
It hurts a lot to accept the letting go.
Thanks for the support in the process.
peace