So, as you know, I found a big stash of alcohol a bit over a year ago. We fought for months, I went away for the summer, then I accepted a job this November in a different state.
We have been slowly moving toward discussing we are at a stalemate and maybe we need to give it up.
When he visited for the holidays, I asked him where the line was between his behavior (which he labels as using alcohol as a temporary comfort when stressed) and addiction.
He couldn't answer.
I said how do you know you are not over the line if you don't even know where the line is?
He couldn't answer.
Finally, he said, I guess we could do a survery of all cultures through time and get an average.
Yah, okay.
I said we could start (to try to repair our relationship) to acknowldege he and I have way different needs on the privacy/openness spectrum and maybe we could have a discussion to define those boundaries so that I wouldn't feel like he was hiding and he wouldn't feel like I was infringing on his privacy.
I thought that was quite generous of me since his need for privacy includes hiding drinking and alcohol and lying about it. Nonetheless, I thought if we could go at it in a more non-judgemental approach, he would feel less threatened.
He was fine with it until I started talking about things. Then he was back to defensiveness and obfuscation.
I think even naming where he is private is too much conciousness. He (subconciously) wants those things fuzzy so he doesn't have to look at them.
Tonight, my husband called me (depressed). His family had just taken portraits and I wasn't there. I did get asked a week before and I was working today, but I also felt like it would be more awkward for me to be in his pictures if we don't stay together.
He insisted he would do what I wanted, but nothing was good enough.
I said it was not about me bossing him around and being power hungry.
He said he and I both knew that it was (he gets so snotty/sarcastic/defeatist!).
I said, okay, will you go to AA or a counselor that specializes in addiction?
No! I'm not some terrible, f-up, he says.
I can do anything I want, he says (I can quit any time, in other words)
Then he goes all sarcastic on me. Oh, he says, look I didn't drink today! Is it a big deal?? Are you shocked?
Etc. etc.
After lots of fuming, snotty responses (in my head), I said, I'm going to go now.
He was confused.
I said goodnight and hung up.
I feel pretty tired.
The part of me that insists I MUST see it wrong and he is seeing it right is impressively persistent, but weakening.
Even if he doesn't have an addiction problem, he sure sucks to talk to about it.
What did my sister say? Everything I have ever let go has had claw marks on it?
That's me, too!
Dragging it out.
You know, I haven't posted in forever because I feel like I know I am just dragging it out.
I guess I am annoyed enough right now to post. (sheepish grin).
Words of wisdom, please.
