Hi Pink,
I can completely relate to where you are right now with all the emotions and feelings. You are not alone, everything you are going through right now, all active alcholics have rode that rollercoaster before but it can be removed by surrendering to the disease and making that first step to reach out for help.
I know you might be scared but it's a huge sign of strength when you can admit you have problem and ask for help to recover from these awful consequences of alcoholism.
You will make such a better life for yourself and your loved ones without alcohol.
I feel for you right now and hope you can find the strength and courage to reach out for help, it will make a world of difference for you.