Originally Posted by
JenT1968 
I've no idea why the ramp up, my understanding is that with any drug, with continued use, as tolerance develops, you have to ramp up the amounts to get close to the buzz you once got at much lower levels. I guess that could be why? perhaps chasing that elusive buzz.
My first couple of benders were the result of trying to chase the "elusive buzz." I still believed I could control my drinking and I thought longer periods of drinking would produce longer moments of enjoyment.
Eventually my benders came out of boredom or disgust with myself. Sometimes I'd drink into oblivion because I wanted to punish myself for being such a "bad" person. Most people would use vacations or holidays as periods to relax, but I saw them as times to drink myself out of whatever mental state I was currently in. I figured that being an alcoholic was my destiny (just as it was my brother's, father's and grandfather's), so I might as well drink as hard as possible and as long as possible to prove my worth.
See how much alcohol ruins a person's thought process!