The Art of Staying Calm
I am practicing the Art of Staying Calm. It's an interesting practice and one that is tested regularly and I don't always do it well.
I said here on SR that I would post about how things are going with my 29 year old son who got out of rehab about five weeks ago. We allowed him to come live with us (bad idea but perhaps necessary for my own growth).
I have no idea how his recovery is going. I keep my nose out of it. I don't ask him about meetings.....although he periodically volunteers the information. He has been working (although it is in construction and not always regular). He has joined the gym and is working out. He comes home quite late but he's quiet and it hasn't bothered us until.......
........last night he tested my practice of the Art of Staying Calm.
My husband had gone into the family room to watch TV because he couldn't sleep and he fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at about 2:00am. I heard the TV going and quite a bit of activity going on in the kitchen......so I got up and found my son and a female getting something to eat. He introduces me to her and tells me that she was at rehab with him. Nice. Just what we all need.....two "recovering" addicts in the house.
Then I realize that this is the young woman he referred to as "trouble". This is the young woman that he tried to drive home to her mother a couple of weeks ago (an hour away) and her mother told him that she couldn't stay with her (smart Mom). So he brought her back to our neck of the woods and she has been staying with some of his "friends" for the last couple of weeks. This is the young woman who has called our house at 5:30am (we're up by that time but who does that?). This is the young woman who he told me started her "addict behaviors" and he couldn't stand being around her.
It is apparent that he thinks she is going to stay the night with him......in our home.
My husband and I return to bed and decide that this just isn't ok with us. So I get up again, knock on his door and ask to speak with him. He comes to our bedroom and we explain that it isn't ok for him to bring someone home in the middle of the night and that we would appreciate communication before he does something of this nature so that we can discuss it. He stays calm but is obviously pissed off and he tries to justify the reason she is there (she had a fight with the guy she was staying with......was I suppose to care?). I firmly state that we require communication from him and that it's not ok for him to assume that someone can stay in our home without our consent. Communication......that is all we are asking for. He leaves our room.
He knocks at our bedroom door a few minutes later and tells us that we are rude and that we have now made her very uncomfortable staying there (really?). I explained that it wasn't his house and he didn't get to decide who could stay there and who could not. BOUNDARY. He began the King Baby routine and asked if we wanted them to leave. I continued to stay very calm and said "What's done is done......we'll talk about it tomorrow." He escalated the King Baby routine and I continued to remain in my OMMMMMMMzone. That really pissed him off.....he walked out of our room......went down the hall......packed his stuff and they left.
He didn't like our boundary. Oh well.
It looks like "trouble" just lost him a place to stay. Now his choice gets to be:
1. Oxford Housing
2. The streets
I'm still practicing the Art of Staying Calm. I feel better for it and it exposes him and his "addict behaviors". I am marginally interested in how this will play out (as opposed to obsessed about how this will play out).
oh well. I love saying that to myself.....oh well.
That's my update. Again I will state while I am going through it.......it's a really bad idea to let the addict come into your home after rehab. It's not good for them. It's not good for anyone.
Confession over.
gentle hugs