Originally Posted by
JenT1968 
actually I used to wish he would leave me, have an affair, get arrested, go to jail, just go, then the relationship would be over but I wouldn't have to make the decision; I was, for whatever reason, incapable of making, initiating and enforcing the decision to leave.
This was me exactly. Then when I decided to leave he was stuck like glue.
I wasn't afraid of abandonment and I wasn't afraid of being alone. I'm not sure what I was afraid of actually. I think I was afraid of failing. Failing to be a good mother and providing a two parent home. I was afraid of failing at the marriage not because I wanted it but because, by golly, I set out to succeed and that is that. I had drawn a box with a married couple inside and that was the only option I would allow. The bigger the mess, the darker I drew in the lines of the box.
I craved stability and security. I think that is based in fear but fear of what I'm not sure. He couldn't give me that and I knew it. I didn't expect it when we got married. I didn't think it mattered because I was dead sure I could always take care of myself. Of course, as alcoholism progresses, stability and security get completely unmanagable. I went crazy trying to control all the variables to ensure my own security and stability.
That is a part of the puzzle anyway. ETA: I'm not saying abandonement isn't an issue for me. I'm just not seeing how it fits in yet. I have that book but haven't read it.