Christmas Drinking
I spent most of the holiday with my AM. She was drinking but it didn't bother me. She hid it in a fast food cup, I knew what it was at that point. My suspicions were confirmed when that cup spilled all over her tile floor and I could see it.
It was only a few years ago that I was the rebellious teenager who always hid her drink in a Sonic cup. It was only a few years ago that she would frantically go out driving at 5 in the morning because I had snuck out after she fell asleep. One time she heard the door close and called me just as I finished my first beer at a party. I came home and gave her a hug, my body was warm from the alcohol. She knew at that point I had tried coke, and suspected that was what I was doing. I assured her it was just from 1 beer, but I doubt she believed me.
I depleted her whole alcohol stash in a matter of months (I was too young to buy my own, she wasn't an A at the time, the stash took years and years to build up). I drank 3-7 times a week for almost a year after my first drink. I remember her finding bottle caps in my pockets when she did my laundry and just getting pissed. Luckily I didn't have physical withdrawals when I stopped.
I discovered a few years later that I don't like to sober up after I drink. I have to drink and drink and drink until I fall asleep. I just don't like to feel the tingling sensation of feeling coming back into my skin after a couple drinks.
If Alcoholism is genetic, which it is, I'm screwed. Although my mother is the person I consider my A, my father has told me he thinks he has a problem. from what I understand, my dad's drinking was pretty problematic during his and my mother's marriage.
So I sit here sometimes and wonder if I should consider myself and alcoholic, or if my teenage years were normal teenage stuff. I wonder how my mom would react if one day I just casually bring up those days.
Being AL, does anyone here ever feel guilty for drinking socially? Do any of us drink? I find myself getting upset when my DH drinks. He doesn't have a problem, and it shouldn't bother me, rationally, I know this, but it still does bother me, and he can tell. I don't see anything wrong with us drinking, we don't have the problem. And I won't drink around my A, but I just feel so guilty at the thought of it.