My husband has been in recovery for 16 months. He did a three month stint in residential rehab, and has been out almost exactly one year. He does not live at home, which is my choice.
I had great hope when he came out of rehab that the man I married 18 years ago would re-emerge over time. What I realize now is that the man I married 18 years ago was already an alcoholic, so that the man I fell in love with was a mixture of fact and fiction (alcohol). So now I don't know who he is or will be. All I can say is that he is a nice guy, and helpful. But he is no partner.
My husband has not contributed a dime to support our family in over four years, even though he has been sober (as best I can tell) for 16 months. He was previously a 6 figure a year executive, now he works part-time, enough to pay his rent and gas during most months. He does do some chores around the house. He is pleasant - but he was pleasant when he drank, so there's no change there. He communicates a little better - usually less withdrawn than he was when he was drinking. But he still does not keep all of his promises. For instance, he promised on Sunday that he would not take our son from our house without telling me, but on Tuesday he did just that. Our son is 16, so it isn't like kidnapping, but he clearly broke a very new promise. He has no explanation. Who knows, maybe he is drinking again, maybe he is passive aggressive and defied me. What I know for sure is that I can't count on what he tells me. I accept that he may be drinking but I don't focus on it. What I care about is whether I can be happy in the relationship.
We've been going to a therapist for a year, but the last time we went she suggested we "take some time to think about things", meaning we aren't making any progress, so why waste our time. In addition, my husband has been in therapy for over a year, as well as AA. I went to Al Anon for awhile, but not much lately. I also did a stint in individual therapy but got tired of listening to myself whine.
So what I've learned is that recovery doesn't mean that everything will work out. Different people progress at different rates. People may not become who you think they will be.
As for me, I'm much better than I was a year ago. I am learning to focus more on me and less on him. I cannot change him. I now believe it is ok to want what I want. However, I am still grieving for the loss of my dream. I don't see sticking it out much longer, as it is time for me to accept that what is, is. For me, not keeping promises about our son is deal breaker.
Should be an interesting 2011!