Originally Posted by
raisingirl 
We got engaged earlier this year, to be married mid next year. Three days ago I came home from work and he told me he realised he didn't love me enough to marry me. Apart from feeling absolutely devastated and as though my life is over (rationally I know it isn't) I also feel like this wouldn't have happened, and he would have had an easier time not drinking, if I had somehow been more supportive and a better girlfriend.
I know from reading a LOT of stuff on the internet, and this forum, that that's a common feeling. But the thoughts keep going around and around my head, and I can't fight the feeling that clearly I've failed him, and didn't understand him or his problem well enough to support him, and the responsibility is as much mine as it is his.
I am feeling absolutely shattered and don't know anybody with similar experiences I can talk to. I rationally know I shouldn't be blaming myself for this, but it's all very raw still and I can't stop.
Hi Raisingirl,
Welcome to SR. Firstly, as everyone else has said, you may find Al-Anon very useful. As you have become aware, being in a relationship with an alcoholic is not easy, and the 'after affect' can be devastating. My heart went out to you when I read that he said he "didn't love you enough to marry you". Well, I have heard those EXACT words! My ex alcoholic defacto asked me to marry him 5 years ago...there was no real 'engagement' and it turned into a "ring that shows me he loves me". Then, after our daughter was born, the ex (who was sober at the time) decided he wanted to get engaged again. This time he said he wanted to buy me a big rock and he bought a 2 carat diamond ring and proposed (4 years ago). One month later, he came home and said "I don't love you enough to marry you"...So, I understand what you're going through....Fast track to now, his drinking is so out of control, he's drinking 24/7. We broke up 16 months ago, he's lost his job and is losing what's left of his sanity. Babyblue said she has the feeling he'll be back. I do too. Mine has been in and out of my life for years and now after the heart break, I don't want him back.
Like you, I 'supported', him, thought I could 'support' him better...even now, I fall into the trap sometimes. It's not your fault at all his drank. He was an A when he met you and is still an A now. He is responsible for his sobriety or lack thereof. You, in no way are to blame for his drinking. You are not a failure at all. His faults and failures belong to him. He's a grown man, he can choose to drink or get help to stop. The reason he said he didn't love you enough to marry him, is because he's already married... to the bottle (because it doesn't sound as though he's wanting to commit to recovery....my ex has also gone to AA on and off. He's said it's not for him too). Even though it feels like your "life is over", it's not. Believe me, even though the pain is so bad now, it will get easier in time, it really will. Keep coming back here.....
