My Exorcist
Today was the day I came close to throwing in the towel and surrendering to alcohol. The feeling (yes, just a feeling) overwhelmed and consumed me literally bringing me to my knees in a full sob. I swear I could taste Merot in my mouth. I raced to an AA meeting shaking uncontrollably and wanted to shout to everyone that I wanted to rip my skin off and get drunk. I waited and waited and waited for my turn to speak but just couldn’t do it all the while shaking with urges I did not know I even had. The meeting was about to close and the chair speaker asked the question “anyone have anything burning to say” - I sobbed and shouted I WANT TO GET DRUNK RIGHT NOW!!! While sobbing. I could still taste the Merlot and sobbing looking for an exit to run - run to the grocery store. People were so very helpful and concerned. They asked me if I was going to be OK and truth be told I wasn’t. I wasn’t even sure where this hellacious burning desire even came from. I told the people that I didn’t understand where this desperation for a drunk came from – not a drink but a full on desire to get drunk. I couldn’t understand it nothing set me off. Everything had been going OK. This feeling was unlike anything I’ve felt and was utterly unexpected. It was a physical pain I cannot describe. A nice man looked at me and said “because doll, you’re and alcoholic – that’s why you feel this way”.
This phenomenon (it felt like a phenomenon to me) made me TRULY understand my alcoholism is more than just will power for me. THIS felt like I needed a G**D*** exorcist. Thank GOD there were people around me that were other alcoholics who understood and could calm me down. NO WAY in hell could I have stayed sober without their help.
I write this in disbelief. Yes, I am an alcoholic… but I am REEEEALLY an alcoholic. I made it through the torture thanks to something greater than me no doubt.
December 26th will be my 30 days of sobriety.