Hi MaryJan -
Welcome. For me, I found it quite helpful to look at my alcoholism as an allergy.
Much like some people have a bad reaction from eating peanuts, I get a similar bad reaction from drinking alcohol. I was likely born with this allergy (yes, we have alcoholism in my family tree) and so it isn't my fault that I have the allergy.
So with this allergy, when I drink alcohol, it has a different effect on me than on my peers who are not alcoholics (normies). There is something different about my brain and body chemistry that makes alcohol work differently for me.
When normies have two drinks and start to feel uncomfortable, I am just getting going. That's the physical part of the allergy.
But alcohol is cunning and powerful. It is a double whammy -- it has a psychological part of this allergy (unlike peanuts).
When a normy is going through a painful situation, they choose to do it without a drug/alcohol to get real personal growth. For me, I want to just ignore it by using alcohol to block it out. I let my fear, anxiety, anger, self-pity all justify to me why I deserve a drink. And thus, the cycle continues.
We think we drink because we are depressed, but I now feel that I was depressed because I drank.
So, how do we deal with this physical and psychological allergy? We ask for help. We actively work a program of recovery (AA, SMART, others). We post on SR. We help others.
Since our best thinking got us here, we decide to listen and watch others who have been successful -- as they must have something that we can learn from.
I am almost 2 years sober but I still remember those early days. I too have kids and am a high(er) bottom drunk so I know where you are coming from. Thanks for your post. Keep coming back.