shocking statements and fear a STRONG emotion
Sometimes I have a moment where I say something to someone and I realize how absolutely crazy my relationship had become....and how the normal of what anyone else would expect had changed. A couple days ago I was at a family holiday party. I was talking to my mom and sister. My mom mentioned seeing a family friend, then mentioned her brother had just recently gotten divorced and suggested he and I go out to a movie - as friends. Nice gesture true (truth be told he is a nice looking man). My response stunned both my mom and sister - I could tell by their faces. I said, "If I did that I would be in physical danger." My Stbxah would lose it!!! I really believe I would be in danger. My mom and my sisters jaws hit the table, and didn't occur to me how HORRIBLE that sounded until I saw their reactions. The truth is I am so used to it. Although if anyone said it to me - that is probablly how I would react - craziness!
I also have figured out what it is that keeps me seperated (not divorced) or moving forward. It is fear! In this case, not fear of physical danger, but fear of the awesome responsibility of the house, the 6 kids, and that all on my own. And really more the financial side. I am a teacher, so my income is enough to pay the bills, but there isn't really anything else set aside. I am obsessing over the heater going out, the sewer needed fixed again, the roof - and over obsessing about what would I do. Fear is a strong emotion indeed.
Lastly, I have been doing a lot of soul searching - and I am really frustrated that I don't have a lot of close friends. Sure I have tons of friends - I always have. I can get along with anyone, but nothing close. Again fear I think won't allow me to be close to anyone. I want to have friends to hand out with etc, but I think that is SO scary. I realize this is part of being codependent, but I am trying. Sometimes it just feels so awkward to me.
Anyway, those are the thoughts that I keep thinking - I suppose it is all part of healing, but I needed to write it down to get it out!