The week or two before our court date earlier this month, I felt so strong, so ready to move on come heck or high water. AND it took all the courage I could muster to actually go through with it so I was riding on that as well. Now, he has been gone from the house 1 week and 1 day and I feel like I'm back to where I was when I was riding the roller coaster with him and his addicted lifestyle...exhausted from trying to keep the fort up, work and kids cared for. Somehow I have backslid. It is as if I have made no progress at all
Maybe it is a phase I'm going through. Maybe it's normal to be where I'm at right now. Of course, being so close to the holidays is not helping me either. I am also not taking too good of care of myself. My mind is a mess all the time, total extremes.
This is just simply not what I wanted, not where I ever imagined I'd be at this stage in my life. And having been the child of an alcoholic who died from it (when I was 19), my kids having to possibly endure that life simply tears me up to bits. I guess I need to get back to working on acceptance...again. Did I ever really grasp it or did it slip through my hands. I just don't know.
Thanks everyone for all the words of wisdom. I need them bad.