I SO feel you! Click on my name to read my first few threads!
I learned here that high functioning is a STAGE of alcoholism and not a type.
I learned here that people do what they want to do and they show their priorities with their choices. If my husband is drinking, that is what he wants to do. (that hurts!)
All that is left is for me to choose if I want to be with someone that is addicted to drinking. (can't I have another choice, please?)
I learned I can not change my AH or fix him or get him to see the light or get him to anything.
I learned I was obsessed with his behavior and not spending much time with me and taking care of me.
I learned there were big red flags a long time ago that just didn't occur like red flags because my AH is so so fabulous and I didn't want to see.
For me, when I got pregnant, everything changed. It was as if I had this voice saying, "You can't pull that crap around my child!" Stuff I had worried over and then supressed -all of a sudden was there and had to be dealt with. Depression. Over drinking. Drinking to medicate depression. Drinking in secret. Denial and lying about drinking. Inability to even talk remotely about drinking or other sensitive topics.
Meanwhile, when those things didn't pop up, my AH is so amazing, you wouldn't believe it. Gorgeous and thoughtful and gentle and devoted and loving...
When I addressed my concerns, my AH flipped his lid and spent the better part of a year being defensive and angry and fatalistic and moody and helpless and hopeless and grumpy and difficult.
I felt like he became a stranger.
Of course, I undoubtedly felt that way to him! Before when I had accommodated and worried and tried to manage and then looked the other way, all of a sudden I was setting my own boundary and NOT BACKING DOWN.
All because I kept coming back to the issues i saw and what I needed from him.
No beans.
So, I have moved out.
Still, he is no different.
I think he doesn't know how to even think or look at anything any different.
Ultimately, I realized we had communication issues along with our other issues.
I realized being lied to is not acceptable to me.
Lack of responsibility is not acceptable to me.
Untreated (and denied) depression is not acceptable to me.
Bitter, defensive yuck in response to valid concerns is not acceptable to me.
A bunch of stuff that I was previously unable to admit because to admit it meant I'd have to walk away.
UGH.
Its not fun to look at this stuff.
For me, it means losing so much good.
But it also means I am raising my self worth.
I deserve a non-addict. I deserve open communication.
I deserve an equal partner.
Plus, this whole process is helping me practice opening my heart while I release attachment to how I want him to be, while I accept how he is.
My observation is if you are counting drinks and asking him to cut back, you are not accepting him as he is.
I hear you expressing that you have a problem.
It looks like he is the one with the problem, but he appears quite fine with the amount he drinks.
You, on the other hand, feel uncomfortable.
It is not for me to say what to do, but I would suggest you honor that you have a problem with his behavior and ask yourself what you are going to do to take care of you with that? (hint: it doesn't include changing him or him changing)
I'd strongly suggest you check out Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More. It really helped.
Good luck. Stick around.
peace