But what if Effie H. was a mother?
My story is so similar to Effie's; but my husband and I have a son. I am the grandchild of alcoholics on both sides of my family. My parents did their very best to make a better life for my sister and I then they had. While my sister and I were alive, neither one of them had an issue with alcohol or any other drug. But I have become increasingly aware that the dysfunctional family system that is created when there is an alcoholic in the family still manifested in my family of origin even if there was no actual alcoholic in the family. I identify with so much from the books written for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Since I had a very dark time, around the age of 18 I have been in therapy always with the determination not to repeat the cycle; and for a while I thought that meant I shouldn't have children. I did not see myself as capable of not repeating what I experienced as a child. Through therapy and some soul searching, I eventually came to the conclusion that yes, I could be a mother. and yes I could do it differently than the parenting I received. Part of what allowed me to come to this realization is the unconditional love I have received from my husband. He is a beautiful, creative, gentle, loving, talented, funny, and supportive husband and father. It is amazing how functional he is, considering he consistently numbs himself with alcohol or marijuana, or both. He hardly ever misses a day of work, and he actually does the dishes and laundry more after it has been using. When we first got together (about 10 years ago), he used marijuana ALOT; I eventually was able to tell him how much that bothered me and he stopped doing it as much. His drinking did not make it onto my radar until the end of my pregnancy.
Our son is 14 months old now, and I can't help but feel I have failed him. All the work I have done to try to prevent myself from passing on the dysfunction feels like it's pointless because, no matter how much I have been able to heal and give my son the healthiest parenting I can; my husband has been struggling with this all along and I just could not let myself see it. I know my husband loves our son. Yesterday my son and I came home from visiting with my family of origin to my drunk husband and I for some reason was able to "tell" him and not "ask" him as I have done for many years to do something to get help. For some time now, he has had the phone number to a place that does chemical dependency evaluations in his wallet. As I am sitting here writing this, I am hoping that he has called that number. I am resisting texting him to ask if has called yet. I know I can't do this for him, and I think that's why I'm writing here. To get support from people who have been through this. To get advice about what to do while I wait. How do I protect my son? I do not want to leave my husband, I hope I will not have to. I just need to know what to do while I wait. I've looked up Al-Anon meetings around where I live, but I'm afraid to go and hear the messages that will tell me the only way my husband will realize he needs help is consequences that he will feel. It would be a huge consequence for my son and I to move out, or to ask my husband to move out until he has taken steps to recover. Are there other consequences? I do think he knows he has a problem, I do think he knows how he could damage his son if he doesn't get help. Please help me know what to do while I wait. It is important to note here that my husband is not physically abusive to me or my son. He has and does destroy physical property, and do things like punch holes in the wall when he is angry (not drunk, but angry) while holding my son. But he has not actually hit a person. It would help me so much to hear any wisdom you may have. Bless you.