thank you for your reply don. i can relate to what you posted. i genuinely care about other people now that im clean from meth and other substances. i am beginning to value myself but theres that part of me that despite how much i love myself, wants to destruct. the mutilation gave me confidence. like the drugs did, only its not a drug. its not that i feel i deserve it so much, but that i like it. so i guess i get pissed like when i couldnt use and was still in using mode, i want what i want when i want it. it gave me a good feeling. i suppose with the control feeling comes other good feelings, but its more about pleasure than control which i dont like to say because it does not sound right but it is what it is. it really helps to be honest about it. you are right. right now, its not so much about using its about these mental illnesses and issues that i really need to get out on the table. there will be a stigma attached im sure and that is something i dread but unless i let go of that dread i will probably drive myself to the edge. i wont lie, i am doing well in terms of sobriety, but i feel very much like if i dont do something quick that i will never do anything about this stuff. do you know what i mean?
hugs,
dot