Is rehab an option for you? It was the best thing I ever did... It made getting sober and working on my recovery sooooo much easier t manage. I think it sucks trying to recover from addiction alone. If rehab isn't an option... I really think it's extremely important to find help through one ofthe 12 step programs or through something like Smart Recovery meetings. Bascally... I think its important to find and use a support group.
Until then, id suggest you think about the relapse process and figure out what your triggers are. The pattern you seem to keep finding yourself repeating really fits the relapse sequence that thy talked about over and over again in rehab. 1. The setup situation (you go to a bar) 2. Trigger (seeing your dealer) 3. Having a craving to use. 4. Thought that using will improve a situation (you will be able to satisfy you craving and have more fun) 5. Permission giving rationalization - an excuse as to why using is OK (It'll just be this one last time. I just won't do that much. There's nothing really wrong with doing drugs) 6. Initial use 7. Out of control use.