posted in newcomers but I should be here
This is what I posted in the newcomers to recovery. Please read it and we can start over here, where I think I should be.
1st post
Hello to all of you. I have been reading here for the past few days and I have decided to register so that when I am ready, I will open up and start my own thread. Thank You for providing myself and others the opportunity to be in this community.
Light and Love
2nd post
I am not in denial about what is what anymore. I do see that this is a very loving community and very much like family. I think I more or less have a long story to tell and I'm still not sure how I want to start off.
The short version is that The Father of my Children and I have been together for 11 years. He is now 30 and I am 28. We were the best of friends and then he became an addict and I lost him. I realize he is not who he once was. He is an addict. DOC - opiates, although not heroin, to my knowledge. We have struggled so much over the last 6 years, YES almost half of our relationship has been in the addiction mentality. Deep Breath. Finally he decided he wanted to go to in patient rehab, although it is only 28 days it is a start A GREAT START, but that is just it, it is only a start and I know that this is the easy part, the hard part will start when he comes home. He does have a treatment plan that he is working on in rehab that includes intensive outpatient therapy. I am ready to start MY recovery. I am Co Dependent!! Yup, I said it. I had no idea really until I started reading here. I am the Mother of Alexia, she is 9 and Nickolas, he is 3. Justin, my other half ( haha ) is their Father. I want and need to get well and recover!! Justin has been in rehab since November 17th. The kids and I went to have our first visit with him on Sunday. It was very nice to see him. Of course, I set expectations on what the visit would be like, would he open up, show emotion, share his experience thus far etc etc. He did not and I took it personal. After returning home from the visit I realized that this is his recovery and the focus when I visit and speak with him needs to just be a visit, support, love and happiness! I get it now. Ramble ramble ramble. This is kind of why I wanted to start with a thread that I had in order and made sense etc. but you know, this is ok for now and I just gotta jump in here and go with it. Thank You for helping me to open up. As time goes by, I know I will not have a problem with that. Oh and I am a Gemini. LOL Looking forward to getting to know you all and to working this together one day at a time.
Light and Love
3rd post ( todays)
So, tomorrow I will go see my AF for a 1 hour family session and a 2 hour visit, at rehab. He has been there 2.5 weeks now. I'm feeling so many different things. The what if's of his recovery, of mine as an enabler and codie and I also fear that he might not decide to be with me. Yeah, I know, it is ridiculous for me to be thinking of myself in all of this. I have been with him through thick and thin, I have sacrificed too much in many ways to be with him and to help him you name it, I was there. I left and moved in with my Mother back in early July of this year. I told him I was done until he decided to get into recovery. Before he went to rehab,he asked me if the kids and I would move back into our home while he was away, he wanted us to be home again when he returned home. I didn't give him an answer, I still don't know. As he sobers up and starts to think more clearly, I wonder if he will see that us being a part will be better for him and his recovery, not having the stress of me being co dependent, and the kids, and family life as a whole. Seems like a lot of stress for a recovering addict. I can't help but fear that he won't want to be together anymore, and that hurts my feelings it really does. I know that this is what I have wanted for him, for us for our family, for a very long time, him to get into recovery, but I don't want for us to be done now that we have both worked hard to come to a place where we can heal and grow and become healthy as a family. Am I even making sense? Let's see, he is allowed two 5 minute phone calls a week and sometimes if he is lucky his therapist will let him squeeze in an extra call. Up until this week, he called me each and every time he was allowed to use the phone. I heard from him on Monday, when he was able to call, he only talked for 4 minutes when his allowed time was 5 minutes, HE was the one who seemed detatched, he was short, didn't even say I love you. He seemed very distracted. Then on Thursday, instead of calling me he called him Mom, which I am fine with, she called and told me about the convo and told me that he said to tell me that he loved me, then again the next day, Friday, he was able to squeeze in a call from his therapist appt. and he called his Mom again, again he told her to call me and tell me that he loved me. Why didn't he call me and the kids? Am I over reacting? Am I being selfish? I am just experiencing so many emotions, so many fears, I am so anxious, and I want to ask him so many questions about his feelings, but ... feelings, is he even ready to go there yet? I don't want to push him away but it just seems to me that I am the one who is suppose to be detatching, but it is the other way around, maybe not, maybe I am just being paranoid. I don't know. Oh, also he asked us to write to him, myself and the kids have written a lot. He asked for stamps when he first went in and sent them to him. Monday when he called I asked why he hadn't written yet and he said he would write to me that night. So yesterday, two letters came in the mail, one to each of our kids, I am glad he wrote them, but why didn't he write me?
Give it to me, lay it on thick. I need to hear it. Thanks
Also I need to prepare myself for how tomorrow will be ... what to say, what not to say.