Hello,
I am not sure if I have anything really wrong with me at all, but there are times where I think there must be, and it scares me a little. I know everyone gets sad, and makes bad decisions, or wants the rest of the world to leave them alone... but I have been thinking about the way things are and the way they were a few years ago, and all the messes inbetween.
About a month and a half ago, my recovering alcoholic Fiencee (who wasnt in recovery at the time) and I got into it pretty bad the night of my best friends wedding. he was so sure that I had messed around on him with his friend, which never happened, but he was drunkly convinced of it. Anyway, he got to the yelling and telling me how filthy and slutty I was, of course I was yelling back that he should know me better and I would never ever do something like that to him... he threw his beer bottle onto our glass table, both the table and bottle broke, plus the vase with my flowers from the wedding. I snapped, couldnt handle the things he was saying, picked up the biggest part of the vase and laid into my arm. i dont know why, I just couldnt handle it, and I ruined my dress, along with the carpet. I didnt want to go to the hospital because they would think either he did it to me and arrest him... or they would think I did it to myself and keep me there... andI have had 2 aunts admitted, and I hated to see them in such a broken state as they were in there. (both recovered and doing very well now) I ended up passing out, probably from the stress of the situation and the blood loss. My fiencee loaded me into the car and took me to the hospial anyway, I told them I tripped and fell through the table...
I ended up with 18 stitches. that was the first time I snapped like that, but not the first time I have hurt my self intentionally. I can remember sucide attempts at the age of 15. drank tire cleaner... the half bottle of asprin and tequilla..... cutting my ankles on top of the vein (i couldnt hide my wrists if it didnt work... but I had socks).... it has been a thought that has passed through my mind many times.
but it isnt always like that. Sometimes I just shut up all the shades and lock myself in my house... no answering the phone, no answering the door.... just having no desire to have anyone around to tell me Im wrong or to pity me. no one knows any of this, not even my parents. I have tried to talk with my mom and tell her something is just not right... but she always says "you have nothing wrong with you, you just need to start living right"..."you are normal... and if something were wrong with you I would know" she also tells me how bad it would make my life if I were to try to talk to some one or get some help... that they would lock me up and I would loose my job, license, my life. that no one would ever want to marry a crazy...
I love my friends, and I love my AF (who is in AA now and holding a steady job, he has been sober for almost 2 weeks stright... which is a great start, considering there was never a day off... for 3 years)
I dont want to loose my life, I just want to be able to control it, and I hate feeling like there is only one way to stop the hurt
like I said I know everyone has bad days... and maybe my mother is right, maybe I am just over-reacting to situations... even when sometimes there isnt even a reason... but I am not this was constantly... some days are good, and I think i just react badly to bad situations... and if I learn to react in a more positive way, the out come will be better... though I dont want to react the way I do most times.
any advice... is so much more then appriciated
