Tried to stop for the last time two weeks ago. Before that maybe two months ago.
I think I understand why I failed. The process usually goes something like this:
I am happy/sad/miserable/worried/you name it any emotion so I feel that maybe just a bit of wine would make me feel better. It will take the edge off and smooth those feelings out a bit. Kind of the idea of drowning the feelings, if I can't feel then they wont bother me. If I am happy I feel it will help my celebration. Ultimately I love that fuzzy feeling. Wine is my poison. Once I open that bottle then entire thing goes. I just can't stop myself at one or two drinks like I used to. I won't open another bottle but a whole bottle of wine is too much!!
I am in a difficult marriage with someone who has his own issues and demons. None of them include addiction but they are interfering nonetheless. Unfortunately we have children and this has been a 20 year relationship. Its not so easy to remove myself from this. Although not everything can be blamed upon that one stressor. There are many other stressors in my life and I have to own my own behavior. I alone pick up that glass.
So, I think I am self medicating. I use it when I am lonely and sad quite a bit. It helps for that short period of time but then it just makes things worse later on.......... UGH I feel like I am in a terrible cycle.