dyeman

I needed somewhere to vent. I know I can go to Al Anon but its become difficult getting to meetings with 3 kids and a pile of chaos. I've been married for almost 9 years and this week I am emotionally bankrupt, loving my alcoholic has been one painful journey.

4 months ago, my husband & I had a big blow out, he drank, came home mean and aggressive, disrespected me in front of our kids and I decided it was time to make some changes. I found a cheaper place to rent, split the bills up, packed his things and calmly told him, enough is enough. The calmer I was the angrier he became. I know I can't cure, I didn't cause and I can't control it. Just as I was about to move, my husband did the pleading, begging, the I can't live without you and the kids, I will do WHATEVER it takes blah blah blah.

I know its a disease, I know there is help, and I know people are successful, however, in my relationship, success isn't a word I would even begin to use. My husband has been to intensive outpatient programs in the past, went to counseling, we went to marraige counseling and finally he actually got real and was honest about his sneaky drinking. So when he begged, I caved like a weakling. My instincts said NO, my heart said YES! That was almost 4 months ago.

Last week bills, kids, work, family, got to me and I ended up with shingles on my arm UNINTENTIONALLY. I mean who would actually sign up to get something as painful as shingles. MY husband had 112 days of sobriety, I know this because he screamed it to me over and over and over. What excuse did he use to drink this time? My shingles. I had a mini nervous breakdown on Monday and was crying to him, sharing how I had been feeling and he basically said it was my own fault I had shingles and I deserved them for stressing so much then he told me he wanted a drink while I was having a breakdown WHICH IS VERY RARE!! SO he screamed, yelled, carried on and finally left the house and drank, coming home to blame me, saying if your going to stress, I'm going to drink. I said are you planning to continue to drink, his answer was, "are you going to continue to stress".

I have tried to share with him that I feel very weary and insecure regarding our relationship because the smallest things send him over the "edge". The bottle comes first. I rarely need his shoulder and when I do he drinks over it? GIVE ME A BREAK. SO I'm trying to be strong and not get more stressed but I cannot trust him while he is actively drinking. He never came home after work yesterday, leaving the kids to fend for themselves so I had to leave work. He came home like a smart a** and got his golf clubs all cocky and said he was going to the golf course.

In the meantime, I have kids all upset because he will carry on in front of them making big scenes, pointing fingers because he feels guilty. I think he wants the freedom to drink and not have the responsibilities. I wrote him a letter, because he won't listen to a word I say, and told him its time for us to go our separate ways and that I wanted him to leave. He said he would be back to pack his things so I left, crying, hysterical, sad, full of heartache, and I get home and he is happily sleeping in our bed. Its much easier for him to leave, he doesn't have 3 kids and all their things to carry around on his back. I'm so frustrated.

I need to be strong and really end it. I'm not going to go to al anon for a year and then make a decision, I have already done that. My husband is the most loving, sweet guy when he is happily sober, but then there are the "dry drunk" times when he is angry he isn't drinking and then this, the drinking times, when he is mean, disrespectful and it makes me hate the person that he is, makes me hate the disease. Makes me regret being weak. His relapses used to be a year or year and a 1/2 apart. We are down to every 3-4 months now. Every holiday week, he drinks, it doesn't matter if things are perfect, money is in the bank etc. The disease has taken over and he isn't doing anything about it. I want this to be peaceful for my kids but he acts like a 46 year old crazy person when he is drinking. I hate him right now. I hate how I feel, and how last night every time I tried to close my eyes, my heart ached and everytime I opened them, tears ran down my face. \

I know what I need to do, but my strength levels are down. I only slept 2 hours last night. I was worrying about how me and the kids will make it financially. I have my al anon books at work with me. I read my courage to change everyday. I have worked on my character defects, I have changed my negative behavior. NO I am not in tip top perfect shape, but sometimes I feel cheated because if we both worked on ourselves and continued in recovery together we wouldn't be here. But the more I change the more he finds something new wrong with us, only when he is drinking of course the rest of the time, its I love you, blah blah blah.

Years ago, I never even knew how crazy and sick I was. Not until I went to al anon. That was the biggest, rudest, awakening of my life. I have changed so much, I feel it, I see it, I am happy about it. I wish I could "fix" him. I thought working on me would help, but obviously, it has helped me but not our relationship. This week I am just having a hard time making it through. I am tired, shocked, and I feel like we failed, I feel like crying. But I can't cry at work, so I have to hold it in all day, and then when I am on my way home, I am one big tear. Its so sad to have to make these big final decisions. Its not for lack of love, we love each other. Love just isn't enough to stay together sometimes.

Once he realizes I am serious, he is going to say the meanest cruelest things and then he will refuse to leave. Then he will beg to stay. I don't want things to get messy, I need some peace. He has family he can stay with. I left him another note this morning letting him know what my plans are. I'm barely making it through this day. Forever isn't real, and for better for worse marraige vows are a joke. What I should have said in my vows was "i'll be there for you, but you don't have to be there for me". That is how I feel.
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