QUOTE=marley75;2785041]Here are some things I can tell you TheProcess: I have learned to not place expectations on my Abf. If I expect something from him, and it doesn't happen then I am resentful. I also know that I can only change me, my reactions need to turn into well thought out responses. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You need to keep to your side of the street. Remember that yelling, screaming, passive agressiveness, silent treatments, big talks, etc. don't work. The thing that works is getting the focus on you. When you stop focusing on him you start to get better.
Detachment in my understanding from what I have learned in alanon and CODA is allowing the other person to be who they are. Thats it. So in love, I detach from his stuff. I don't hate him, I hate the disease. He is not the disease.
So now I focus on me, that means I work my program and stop obsessing about him. I have bad days and slip, but I am getting sicker, quicker and coming back to my recovery. I have a sponsor helping me work the steps. I talk to her constantly. She helps me reroute my thinking and reminds me of the tools and slogans. I also have learned to quit taking it personally=Q-TIP. When he uses, its not my fault and I don't have to feel like he did it to hurt me. He didn't wake up in the morning and say "How can I screw with marley today?" No, he did not.
I have also learned from my wise sponsor to not ask questions anymore. Stop asking about what he did, when he did it. No one likes that. I don't. SO instead I make an open conversation, centering around me. I say "this is what I did today...." and it opens it up for him to talk about him too.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. This too shall pass.... When we begin to focus on ourselves, the addict senses it. Have you read the book Getting Them Sober? It is for alcoholics, but I replace the word alcoholic with addict and it fits every time. Take care of you now. That is what naranon/alanon is for. You ((((HUGS))))