I am totally blown away by these responses! You are helping IMMENSELY.
"perhaps you are judging yourself as weird, but you dont realize that most people feel so many of the same things. your family did not let you learn this, maybe?"
That sentence totally stuck out with me! I feel like I learned nothing from my parents.. except chaos and despair. I can't stress how terrible and guilty I feel even saying that. I have gone into some of this with my therapist. I usually end up crying every single time, so we haven't gotten too far. I have written him an email before too, which he didn't mind.. I just didn't get much feedback. As much as I like him, I feel invalidated at times. He really doesn't seem to get my pain.. and it's like he thinks I am h0nkey dorey.
I mean.. you guys make me feel normal. I really feel SO silly for having and saying these feelings outloud. People don't go around talking about their feelings all the time.. at least not around me.. so it's just so weird. It does make me feel nutty. I mean, it's what I've been told.
As for the new guy... it was FEAR that made me unable to talk to him. I woke up this morning and a text said, "Hey hun, feeling better?". I WAS SHOCKED. He said I could talk to him about ANYTHING and he wouldn't judge me.. and he hasn't. Fear keeps my stuck, going nowhere.
NYCD, to each their own. I feel like when I talk about how I feel drinking, it is the absolute truth. I am truly impaired with my communication skills, unless I'm drunk... Do not take that as any indication that I drink to express myself.. because that is not what I am getting at at all. I think don't think what I said should be discredited because I drank. It was my raw feelings.. me at my core.