Extremely typical and standard practice to lash out - its never about them.
I have been lazy, dont wash enough, dont do enough around the house, just sit and watch TV, have no friends and I am boring but nearly always when I chastise AH about his drinking. The rest of the time AH seems quite content to live with a lazy, boring, smelly wife as long as she is ignoring his drinking.
It does mess with self esteem, but once you realise what they are doing to you, you gain back some power. Dont buy into it for one second and ignore it as best as you can. Most of it (I believe) is a reflection of themselves put back on you.
I have stopped mentioning his drinking because of the personal backlashes and I havent been the butt of this type of abuse for quite a while. In fact I have learnt to say 'stop, I do not need to listen to this' and walk away if the conversation turns personal.
My AH is still very difficult to live with on a bad day but detaching is still a work in progress for me.