Hi, I was able to ignore but I was not able to detach while married to an xah. There were to many things I could not control that were making my life unmanagable. Finances, co-parenting,the behavior he was modeling for our four sons, and our interpersonal relationship were the big things. Of course our interepersonal relationship was a two way street and I had my share of work to do but I refused marriage counseling while he was active in his alcoholism. This all led to way to much resentment and anger for me to parent well myself.
My husband worked very part time and I worked full time. He stayed with the boys while I was at work. I was also very worried about custody. I eventually got daycare (before I asked for a seperation/divorce and before he went to rehab) so that my boys were never alone with him because he was drinking way to muc before I got off work. I was told by the lawyer that this would help my custody standing and that I should keep that daycare in place even after he came home from treatment if I thought there was a chance I wanted to continue with the divorce. He started drinking again within a week so I'm glad I did. We filled out temporary custody orders and the fact that I did all the appts, conferences, missed work when they were sick etc. was documented. Keep track of those things.
In the end he was back to active alcoholism and didn't even fight me on custody. A mother might chose differently, don't know your wife.
I wanted him to move elsewhere for 6 months when he came home from treatment and he manipulated and cried and carried on like I was asking him to cut off a leg. I caved in and agreed to him moving back home. I regret that. It definitely led to way to much drama and trauma for the kids. It was awful but I was already on the path to divorce and if your not, then my experience might be a little off.