Thank you all very much for your quick replies
I'm not sure what I will do from here. I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I can pretty much do what I want from this point and it feels different not having to consider my wife or anyone else when making a decision. I do not think it'll ever work again between us and I feel as though I've done too much damage beyond repair. I do miss her. But I'm hoping that I'm wrong and that once she sees me getting better she may perhaps take me back or at least talk to me. I resist the urge to contact her every day. But I'm starting to think I also want to do this for myself. I'm tired of having days, even weeks where I don't remember what happened. Im tired of wasting all my money on booze and drugs. I miss having a job and a roof over my head. But it all seems overwhelming. There's a lot of work to be done. I guess one of the reasons why I started drinking and drugging is because thats how I cope... I guess finding other ways to cope is in order. Finding some place to sober up would be ideal since I cant live with friends forever