Pink, I have been sober for about ten months now and I look back at the things that I have done in the past, and I would say I was spiraling downward, in and out of control just like you. I needed more than willpower and meetings to get sober, and I wonder if you do too?
I am talking about inpatient detox. I am not a counselor, but when I hear OD, heavy drug use, etc., I wonder about the biochemical extent of your drug abuse.
"Heavy amount of pain and shame" - that is exactly what happens when drugs take over our bodies and mind. That's the drug talking!
I don't know if you are ready to start your recovery, but I look back on mine and it was the best thing I have ever done. The positive outlook, clear head, self esteem and confidence all come back after the drugs wear off.
You have to realize that you have significantly altered your biochemistry and have to want to start one of the hardest fights you will ever wager. The fight is for you to get your life back!!
A lot of people here, including me have been in your shoes and have been successful. If I can do it, believe me you can too!!
Take care and good luck!
Dave