Originally Posted by
Rayn3dr0p 
I'm not sure if the same tools apply with partners of alcoholics and spending addicts, but doesn't supportive mean detaching with love? Can't you support him by taking care of yourself and allowing him to pursue his own recovery? I don't see why you necessarily need to support him by having conversations that fill you with so much rage. If he wants to talk about his problems and his bad days, he can do so in his group sessions. He has a luxury that you cannot afford for yourself, so it seems only fair for you to detach with love.
He has said many times in the past that he felt he could not come to me with his problems. That his spending, and the secrecy about that spending, was because he felt he could not ask for help, could not depend on others. I have been there for him, and been there for him, and been there for him. I have listened as much as I can (we've been together 20 years), and still it seems to not be enough for him to feel that he can come to me. I know that his insecurity with talking to me comes from HIM, not me, but I don't want to make it worse by saying, "You know, I have enough on my plate right now. Go talk to your sponsor." To me, it seems cold-hearted. Like now that he's finally trying to turn around, I'm pulling a fast one. "Yeah, I know that I said you could always talk to me. But that was before you started getting your life together. Now that you're in recovery and no longer debting/spending, I don't want to hear about your bad day at work, or your temptation to spend that you avoided." Especially that last bit - I have told him that though the spending is the obvious problem, the lying to me about it is what hurts the most, and what I will not stand anymore. How can I tell him that he has to be honest with me about his spending, if I don't want to hear what's going on with him?
Did any of that make sense?