mg,
you always have such good posts! does self talk help "mutilation urges"? ive not done this since a few months ago, and i havent done it "for attention" since about 4 years ago. i was very disturbed to find that the urges remain and i tend to do it because i get feeling out of control/generally nuts and then i get going and it becomes a bit of a compulsion. i have more trouble with it it seems when im not doing it LOL if that makes sense.
my theory on it is that when i was super active in mutilating (bruising, scratching, cutting) i didnt have a clue that i was mentally unstable. then once i got into therapy i didnt want to stop and the whole concept of being crazy intrigued me and thats when i did it for attention. now that ive been "clean" from mutilation and am very well aware of my mental illnesses i find i cant quite shake the urges. i sometimes have suicidal thoughts which dont really have to do with the mutilation, but knowing that im capable of mutilation just makes it all the more difficult to resist acting on my feelings.
im a happy person, but the thoughts of mutilation/suicide pop up from some sick place and sometimes i dont feel like i can control myself. is that just compulsion? part of me thats tired of being good? i dont know, but am hesitant to tell my therapist about feeling suicidal because generally im not. theres a few moments when i impulsively feel i could fling myself from a building or shoot myself but its not really how i feel. is that explaining it well?
thanks,
dot