Stevie1

I've been "almost sober" for years, after a very dissolute partying time in my life that lasted, well, a long time. By "almost sober" I guess I mean "not truly sober." I have managed to go for long periods of time - a year or more - without drinking, but this last five years or so I settled into a comfortable Wednesday night drinking routine, all by myself at home, where I'd get my alkie yayas out. Wednesday because trash day is Thursday and I could toss the bottles and cans so I wouldn't have anything to remind me the night before...I've never truly been in "denial" in that for many years I've been quite willing to state that I'm an alcoholic, but obviously I've yet to fully embrace the notion that I must quit drinking, forever and ever, amen.

Since early summer, things in my life got dramatically worse and I started drinking every night. Lately, in the day time as well, if I could.

I've dropped the ball on just about everything lately, and on Saturday night was totally hammered and sent my mother a furious email liberally peppered with F-bombs. I haven't answered my phone or checked my email for days and days, I am disappointing a LOT of people (and my dogs!) right now.

So Friday I saw a therapist (I have various diagnoses, mostly major depression and bipolar, throw in ADHD and PTSD so they say, but thousand of dollars and hundreds of hours don't seem to have gotten me anywhere so far) because I NEED to get back on meds and get clean. I'm 52 and have been on this roundabout for many years. Dec 1 I have an appointment with a psychiatrist, and I know I have to stop drinking, especially if I'm going back on mood stabilizers/anti convulsants/anti psychotics or some type of happy pills. They don't play well with alcohol.

I am ashamed and angry with myself and avoiding people because I don't have the vocabulary to step up to the plate and say "I'm effed up, I am drinking heavily, and I don't have the cojones to deal with life on real terms right now." I simply don't know how to frame that. I almost wish (not really I suppose) that I could have cancer or a heart attack or something concrete that people would understand, but I'm apparently as healthy as a horse. I've even had an MRI to check for brain shrinkage, liver function test, full physical and cardiac workup. I guess I think I need to find a reason, instead of an excuse, for screwing up.

So here I am, gearing up for another quit, hoping for some understanding from anonymous people. I have tried AA in the past and it seriously isn't for me on several levels, although I programmed the phone number of the local chapter into my phone today, although I haven't called. But I think maybe if I could find meetings I click with, it might help.