Dream...
You had to try for you, don't blame yourself for that. There is nothing that says you can't leave now if that's what you want to do.
You want answers?
We all do.
Some recovering A's see the damage they've done, others never do. Some have so many wholes in their memories that they create memories that fit what they'd like to think of themselves or what they'd like others to think of them.
I KNOW there is someone who can make you happy....
that person is YOU! You have to let yourself be happy and to do things that make you happy. Maybe you can write your story and see where it takes you...
I wish you Peace.
River
Personally I like the track without tunnels on it.