Originally Posted by outsidethecage

It's my first time posting here. I don't know what to do anymore. I really just need to vent right now so thaks to whoever may listen.

First of all, welcome to SR! I'm sure you'll find lots of support here. I'm new to recovery but there are plenty of others who have a lot more experience on here who will soon offer their words of wisdom and experience...

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. Last year we moved very far from home to start a life togther and I'm beginning to wonder if it was a mistake.

I love him very much but he has a drinking problem and to make things worse he is a bartender so he is surrounded by alcohol every day. Sometimes he gets very sick after an all day binge (throwing up all day, shaking and complaining that he hurts) but in a couple of days he goes and does it again. I don't understand. He just doesn't seem to be able to control himself.

It's very hard being in love with someone who has a drinking problem. I understand this because I have been there...Alcoholism is progressive and it's very hard to understand. It's taken me years to come to terms with and accept my XADFH (ex alcoholic defacto husband) alcoholism.


I have threatened to leave a couple of times because on rare occasions he has been very mean and scary when he's drunk and it is too stressful for me to deal with. He always apologizes and he stays in control of himself for a little while but the he inevitably relapses.

Yes, it can be very scary when they drink too much and lose the ability to control their behaviour. They lose their reasoning mind whilst drunk and this can result in the behaviour you've described. My ex has psychotic episodes whilst drunk and becomes abusive and violent...

I, myself, am probably a boderline alcoholic now, though I almost never to the point where I black out or get sick. I usually just like a drink or two after work and that's all. I wish my boyfriend could enjoy alcohol in a moderate and healthy way but he rarely seems to be able to.

Alcoholism is different. I too used to wonder why my ex couldn't drink in moderation. From what I've discovered, people with alcoholism process alcohol differently. Some people are able to have a drink or two and leave it. Others cannot. If you're feeling like you're borderline alcoholic yourself, this may be something you may wish to look at, at a time that's right for you...first things first though....

He really is a wonderful, intelligent, kind person and I love him very much. I believe he sincerly loves me too and yet he choses to continue on this self destructive path. Why? I hurts me to see him suffering and to watch our relationship fall apart because of this. It is extra stressful for me because I am thousands of miles from home and my friends and family. I feel so alone most of the time. I have always struggled with depression but that is another story altogether.

He sounds like a good person with a horrible addiction.It's so hard to think that the person you love and who you know loves you is under the grips of alcohol and leaving a trail of heartbreak and suffering.

At this point I just want my best friend back. I'm afraid to present him with an ultimatum because I really don't want to lose him. I feel like my heart is breaking. Alcohol is not the root of all our problems but it certainly isn't helping.

Oh yes, I understand the heartbreak. It's a terribly painful thing to go through because in all reality, which is so hard to come to terms with, we cannot control whether they drink or not. We can only start to look after ourselves. As they say in Al-Anon and as I read here often. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. ( I hope I got that in the right order?) As for giving him an ultimatum, I believe you will know if or when it's the right time to tell him "it's me or the booze". You seem to already know that this may result in him choosing the alcohol.

And before anyone suggests it, I'm not a huge believer in AA. In reality it just isn't any more effective than cold turkey and I think a lot of the principles behind it (higher power, being "diseased" ect.) are ********. If it helps you then great but there is no way in hell it would work for my boyfriend. I'm not about to get into a debate about it with anyone here. No offense.

You sound like I used to regarding alcoholism not being a disease. There was no way I would believe it was a disease either. I too thought that was ********. I always believed it was a choice. Even my dad, sober and in AA couldn't convince me it was a disease, not that he tried to 'convince' or force me to believe that. It was a good friend of mine who finally awakened me to the fact it may be a disease. This is due to some honest discussions with her as I've seen her progress from a regular drinker to an alcoholic. Because I trust and love her, she was the one who gently questioned my philosphy on alcoholism. Now I believe that it may start out as a choice but in time it changes the neurochemistry in the brain and in fact every cell in the body is affected until the person is, in fact, in a state of dis-ease. I don't know enough about it to say anymore but I think on SR in the forum alcoholics, there's some good info on it. As for AA, my ex was court ordered to it but he never really worked the program. My dad would be dead without AA, so I suppose it's about finding the right fit. I've been to AA and I actually get a lot out of it as they say alcoholism is a three fold disease, emotional, spiritual and physical. Other than AA, I believe there are other programs out there like SMART. I don't know of any other type of treatments....I'm sure other people do.

I'm sure when he wakes up tomorrow morning he will be happy to see me. The last thing I will want to is get into a serious discussion with him about how his drinking is affecting our relationship but I know sooner or later I won't be able to handle it anymore. Even if our relationship doesn't work out (and it sometimes feels that way) I hope he will someday be able to lead a balanced life and be able to be happy with or without alcohol.

I would suggest attending Al-Anon for you for some face to face support, however it works on the same 12 step principles as AA and may not be the right fit for you. However, you're here on SR and hopefully you'll find some support here...

I don't know what I'll say. Wish me luck.