I have been separated from my RAH for one year & three months. He has been sober in recovery for 8 months). While he was actively drinking/using, there was no chance to really connect. Since he went into recovery, I can see tremendous change in both of us. I too learned that I must work on myself. When he first became sober I was impatient. I wanted to set the boundaries & have him acknowlege the boundaries I set. He withdrew when uncomfortable topics came up. I felt angry that I found myself having to "detach" all the time. Things are far from where they need to be as "healthy partners" but as I relaxed & focused on me, I could see he was focusing more on his recovery. I am not ready to move back home yet. I am, however, more hopeful than ever that we have a possibility together.
He will always be an alcoholic (recovering, I hope). Will I therefore always be someone addicted to an A (recovering, I hope)? I don't think it is healthy to be with someone that requires me to detach eveytime "difficult" topics (for him) come up. However, seeing the changes I have seen in 8 short months after 18-20 years of active alcoholism/addiction is pretty astounding. I never thought he could stop drinking, let alone continue on his path of recovery for 8 months. I am not so naive to think that relapse is not possible. 8 months is still early in recovery! I want to be thankful for what has happened so far as I continue on my own path of recovery & healing.
I guess it's possible to connect with someone who is actively engaged in his/her recovery, but it takes a lot of patience & work. Is it worth it? Each one of us has to decide for ourselves.