I have two things to say.
One I have said in a number of threads and it is delighting me, still.
Active recovery can be seen from a mile away.
and from Anvil's post in the "bracing myself" thread:
he sure SAYS a lot but doesn't seem to DO much. on the one hand we have and on the other we have - one is all talk, the other engaged in ACTION.
of course it's your fault......it can't be HIS, right? what he hoped was if he did the BARE minimum, that would be good enough for you and he could just couch surf and laze around and not have to DO anything. wouldn't have to WORK, wouldn't have to start the process of self discovery, wouldn't have to be a full active partner in the home and in the relationship, wouldn't have to actual PARENT the kids, just whatever he could do from the sofa.
except you wanted more than a weight that kept the couch from floating away. you outlined the conditions upon his return to the home, and he didn't even come close to meeting or exceeding them.
TRUE recovery is ACTION.
These bring me great comfort as I can stop fretting "what if I was wrong? what if I was too harsh? What if I am not giving him the benefit of the doubt?"
It just wipes it all away.
When he is making changes, it will be evident.
Are you unsure and stewing and unhappy and wistful and confused and doubtful whether he is recovering?
That doesn't sound like recovery to me.
I believe, in from a distance, if he is making changes, it will be evident.
Him blaming you, delaying change, talking the talk without walking the walk...no recovery there.
I have been in a zillion talks with my AH. I have come to accept (on my good days!) he DOES NOT WANT to change.
Instead of setting guidelines, "You have to...or I will..." I am trying to switch to asking myself, "Is the way he is RIGHT NOW acceptable to me? If no, what am I going to do about it?"
Hugs, peace