New here
Hey everybody. I'm a female in my early 20s, living in the United Kingdom.
Last night, for what I hope to be the last time ever, I binged on alcohol. I can't seem to drink normally, I always go to excess. The cycle never seems to change - I'll go without drinking for 6-8 days, then I'll get an overwhelming urge to drink again.
I usually drink alone and at home. I still go online and it's getting to the stage where I think I am alienating people. I always say things I would never say when sober. Sometimes I say things of an insulting nature even if I didn't mean to be insulting, or I'll open up too much and say really personal things to people I would not normally open up to if sober. I run the risk of damaging my relationships with some of my friends because I can become quite an ugly drunk. The day after I always feel ashamed and guilty, and I always promise myself never to drink again, but for reasons I can't fully understand, I still do it.
I originally dismissed the idea of being an alcoholic as I do not drink on a daily basis or feel like I have a physical dependency for it, yet the cravings do come after a few days and seem to override all rational thought in a way that makes me suspect an actual addiction. I know that what I'm doing is wrong, but I do it anyway, rationalising it to myself all the while with "it won't be like before, it won't be so bad this time". It always is bad, and I always regret it.
Now I think the best thing to do is to just act under the assumption that I am an alcoholic, whether I meet the criteria for it or not. All I do know for sure is that my relationship with alcohol is incredibly unhealthy, regardless of the true nature of my condition and whether it's physical or psychological. Hopefully coming to this forum on a daily basis - even if I stop drinking for the rest of my life - will help me stay on the right path, because I know that once I remove alcohol from my life it will improve dramatically.
It's easy for me to write all of this now, when still hungover and feeling the shame from drinking last night, but a few days from now I might've forgotten all about it and once again I might manage to talk myself into drinking by saying "ah it's not that bad", which is the most dangerous part of all of this. It is that bad. That is when I really will need help, because I've tried battling these urges on my own and have so far been unsuccessful.
I don't know what I'm going to get out of posting this, but perhaps being around other people who have similar experiences to me will be a good thing. It'll help me realise that I'm not a freak, that there are lots of people who are in a similar situation and that there are ways to beat this. I can't change the past and I can't erase the things I've already said and done, but I can look to the future and remember that it's never too late to change!
Anyway, I'm looking forward to posting here more and meeting you all. Hopefully this'll be the first step towards a better, sober life.