she pushed me into the room to close the door so she wouldn't have to listen to us talk about her. I reacted and told her "Don't push me"! She said this was bad behavior to model for our son.
Typical alcoholic topsy turvy insanity: the BAD behavior here was her pushing you! Period. Standing up for yourself and saying clearly "Don't push me." is good behavior to model for your son.
No one should push us around whether we are kids or adults.
I would make a statement loud and clear to her that there will be no violence in your house - no pushing anybody!
Your son is hurting because his family is messed up and his mom is an alcoholic. Don't take it all on yourself. He is having his own experience of this life and his circumstances and this family dynamic - just like I did (except for me it was an A dad).
Have you addressed that pain directly with him?
It would have been a dream come true for me if some rational sober adult (wow if it had been my mom that would have been the jackpot!) had come to me and said: you feel this way because you are growing up in an alcoholic/codependent household. It is not your fault and here are some resources (Alateen? Books? Counseling?) to help you manage this difficult situation. But no one ever stepped up....and I was left to feel many confused and painful feelings throughout my childhood.
I totally used to lie about schoolwork, I used to lie when there was no reason to lie (a common trait in children of As). I was very smart but made decisions not in my own best interest fopr years! Did anyone, any adult, ever stop and say "Hey what IS going on with you, what is eating you?" NO!
Good luck Stepping Up -- and natch I would advise talking more and more openly w/ your children. I knew sh*t was wrong since 1st grade so why wait??
Peace-
B