NoAlcoholToday I found a lot of honest expression of concern for your wife's feelings in your post. That's a
GREAT starting point! You are basically asking what will your future be......Sorry NoAlcoholToday but my crystal ball and tarrot cards aren't working today! (LOL)
Seriously though, there is a thread on F& F Forum entitled "Stinking-thinking-dry-drinking" that hopefully can give you some insights of things
NOT to do.
Your marriage will be basically starting a new stage. I recommend you treat your wife as though you two are just beginning to date, as in your original time. I suggest you take time to get to know each other all over again. Abstinence may be as hard or even harder than drinking because it reveals so many problems that were obscured by the family's focus on alcohol. Denial remains as strong as ever as the family has to face the harsh realities of delusion, illusion and collusion that have dominated its reality during drinking and that are now revealed during the period of abstinence. In many families, the entire family system has been organized by alcoholism. Not every couple will or, for their own personal health should survive recovery. This could be a time of tremendous personal growth for all individuals involved or it could turn out to be a period of decline. As Carl Jung stated: Seldom or never does marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.
The family disease approach is the best known and most widely used form of treatment. Alcoholism is viewed as a disease and family members also have the disease "codependence". In the disease approach, the family members are treated with therapy separate from the alcoholic. This therapy encourages the alcoholic, the spouse and the family to reach outside the family for help. The use of Al-Anon, Al-Ateen or Adult children of alcoholics groups is highly recommended as well as individual and group therapy to address various psychological issues. With this approach, family members should not actively intervene to attempt to change the alcoholic's drinking. They are encouraged to detach and focus on themselves to help with their emotional distress and to increase their skills needed to cope.
If you both work your own recovery programs there is no reason why your wife can not travel with you along the path of mutual growth and genuine healing!
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JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA