Lotus,
This hits home for me. I've been separated from my RAH for a year & 3 months (who's counting?). My RAH has been sober for 8 months. I keep waiting for the signs (my HPs signals) that say "Ok, you can go back home & start a new life w/ him." I see lots of progress on his part. I see lots of progress on my part. I also see that we both still need lots & lots of work. I say the entire serenity prayer (there's the part about "patience"). I have been a codie my whole life. He has been an A his whole adult life (18-20 years). . .given our backgrounds, we each (separately) need a lot more work. I am assuming that he needs years of active recovery to heal himself physiologically as well. Now that the effects of alcohol are gone (though I am not naive enough to think that a relapse is impossible), we are now able to deal with our issues! NOW, the work begins!
In my case, I think 8 months of recovery (both for my RAH & myself) is still early. However, compared to a year ago, both of our lives are infinitely improved. I am still hoping we have a chance at a healthy life together but we have to focus on each of our recoveries. I think LaDeeDa's question,"How much growth do you need from him?" is a great "measuring stick" (though not quantitative).
Best to you, Lotus.