Nawneet - I've been sober now for about ten months and I know how you feel. I used to describe my house as the scene of the crime. I got to the point where the only place I could drink was at home, to avoid the consequences of drink driving - most importantly so that my alcoholic drinking wouldn't become known & my ability to drink be threatened. You are NOT alone... but you need to reach out to others who understand to get through this. Posting here is a great start but when the urges are strongest I found face to face contact with others who understand (AA in my case) the only thing that pulled me through the rough patches. Is there an AA (or other support group) group that you can find online or via telephone?