freefalling,
I read your post and felt such sadness, and at the same time, such empowerment from you. I can see that you're working so hard to see through to the "real" process, even though it hurts.
One of the things I've more fully realized since going no contact with my exA (we broke up 7 months ago) is that "taking things personally" is is completely inaccurate when it comes to addicts and narcissists (a group with a number of commonalities, in my opinion). I like what TC said about addicts needing enablers...that sums it up beautifully. It can never, ever, EVER be about anyone other than the addict/narcissist when you're in a relationship with them.
I've been good at attracting (and being attracted to) both types. Interestingly, while I've been alone and attending 2-3 Alanon meetings a week I've stopped being so attracted to that. In fact, I'm getting better at seeing the person for who they are much more quickly--I am less and less "surprised" all the time. My little kid inside, who desperately wanted to be noticed and taken care of, is doing very well under the protective wing of my adult self. I am still attempting to co-parent with a man that I believe to be somewhat narcissistic, but I'm getting so much better at dealing with his "stuff" in our interactions.
Believe me, your exH's actions have NOTHING to do with you. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. You will stop being surprised by his insanity someday--just keep putting one foot in front of the other. From this side of the equation the view is FANTASTIC, and full of hope for a happy future.
Hugs,
posie