How Codie Am I Being here?
So...my XAH went to a 28-day rehab. He chose upon his dismissal to live in a sober-living house instead of with a man he met in rehab, mainly because the man he met in rehab has a roommate who drinks, and XAH thought living there would be too triggering. Bear in mind, this is the same man I begged to consider living in an Oxford House before (which is where he is now) and he never wanted anything to do with it. So I am taking all of this as a positive sign that perhaps he's actually serious about his recovery this time. Also, he continues to do out-patient therapy with the rehab 2 nights a week, is attendiing AA 2 nights a week, and is attending a recovery-based church a couple of times a week as well. All this sounds peachy keen, and while I am in no way convinced the problem is gone forever, it does make me feel good to know that the father of my dd is for once in his life putting his all into recovery, at least for this moment in time (because this could all go down like a house of cards tomorrow, and I'm aware of this).
Before this, I had been no contact for about 2 months. Still don't know all of the details of what went down then, but from what I glean from his sister, it wasn't pretty and he was out on the streets for a while.
So here's where my question comes in. His living in the sober house wouldn't have been possible without some form of financial help. He had nothing. He could have lived with the rehab roomie for free, but I took it as a good sign that he chose to live in the sober house instead. But the sober house costs money (albeit cheap money--75 a week). So his sister and I agreed to split the cost until he got a job. And he has been looking, and actually did get a job just yesterday. Still has no license, but his outpatient will do double duty and he can use it to get his license back in about two months. So I agreed, because he did just get a job, to give him some money for transportation to work and some new clothes, and if he keeps on keeping on, he should be able to support himself once he gets his first paycheck.
Should I not have done any of this for him? It's been easier than I thought it would be to go no contact and do nothing for him and not pick up the phone when I knew he was boozing it up. Now that I know he's really trying, I can't say I feel it would have been helpful to his sobriety for me and his sister to say to him, well buddy, you've got no money, so go stay with the drunken roommate instead of at the sober living house where you're closer to your church and your outpatient counseling. So in that sense, I feel good about the choice I and his sister made, but I guess I still have that nagging sense of, maybe I'm still doing to much for him. On the other hand, he truly does need some help with things like covering the rent until he gets his first paycheck, and having some cash on hand to pay for a taxi to work on the few days one of his roommates can't help him.
I guess I don't feel like it's codependency so much when I'm trying to help out a person who needs a bit of a leg up financially but is doing the work of staying sober in a very visible way. He has no parents, no one else who would be willing to help out in this way other than this sister of his, and at the moment its not a big burden on me as I am saving money by living with my parents. I guess I just wanted some thoughts and reactions to this to see if I'm way off base here or not.